Under Control
by AlternateShadesofBlue
Summary: He's Harvey GD Specter. He can survive without Donna. A drabble attempt at making sense of Harvey's thoughts for 7x01. *Updated with 7x02*
1. Chapter 1

" _I don't want the money. I want something more. And I've never said that out loud but I can't pretend that's not true anymore."_

"What do you mean more?"

" _I guess I'm going to have to figure that out."_

He's fine, really. Donna moving on at some point was inevitable. Like buildings crumbling, contracts being broken, or shared shitty Tai leftovers in his fridge growing mold.

He'd found another secretary before- Gretchen -and made it work. He'll do the same thing again.

Big changes are happening in his life. Better to start fresh with everything at once. He'll move on, and Donna will move on too.

Dryness itches his throat. He pours from the bottle of water with a slight shake of hand and it sloshes out of the glass. Laser focus keeps his wrist steady as he swallows.

He's been through this. He's fine now. He's done the therapy; recovered. Stopped taking the goddamned pills. Paula Agard had gotten him through. He could live without Donna if she's leaving him again.

With the last thoughts a disordered thump beats in his chest and he downs another glass of water.

Deep breaths. He has this under control.

This is just the habit of old anxiety. It isn't about Donna, or even a big problem.

He doesn't even need his therapist in that way anymore. Fuck his therapist. He _could_ even fuck his therapist.

She's hot enough.

Maybe that's what he needed. She'd be easy to talk to, could help him with troubling issues. It doesn't have to be Donna.

Maybe he should see her.

No, not Donna. His therapist.

Not for an appointment. Because he doesn't need one. Just to catch up and have some fun. Get his mind off of work stress. Not Donna stress in particular because he doesn't need Donna. Just work, which for the time being, Donna is a part of.

* * *

The next morning he picks the 365 Spider from the garage, and drives to Paula Agard's. He'll throw her a few lines, shine a spectacular Specter smile, close the deal and he'll have a new support in place. A new confidant, a new bedmate, and new fun. Donna could leave him; he'll be fine.

* * *

It's a fucking coffee Specter. Any of those goddamned secretaries could bring him a coffee. He doesn't need her for that.

Why is his collar so tight today? He needs to take a couple extra runs this week, maybe he's getting thick in the neck.

She's standing there, looking vulnerable like she wants to say something about _more_. He can't deal with more right now. Because of work, not because he can't handle Donna.

Later. He needs to push her and her _something more_ off to later. Stall her since he needs things tidied up before he can let her go. He can handle life without her. The timing is just not right yet.

 _Senior partner?_ No, she's his secretary, for now anyway. Donna close-but-not-working-for-him again didn't work out the last time. If she's going to go, she needs to go. But not yet.

It's not that she's not capable. She is. Probably more so than Louis was in many respects. Maybe even more than him. Donna helps him manage most of his decisions. _The firm_ surviving without her...

He has too much to do today. Louis, Mike, senior partner bullshit. He can't deal with her right now, because he's busy.

* * *

He's getting out of his office. But only when he's good and ready. It's not because of Donna, or avoiding her request. It's not because he's afraid of a big change. He's doing a last case with Mike for old time's sake, not to stall. His office and world changing can wait. He ignores the voice that pesters him to let him know he started packing his previous offices as soon as the change came. The silent voice sounds an awful lot like hers.

* * *

The satisfaction from hitting on gorgeous women falls flat. They're into him. They smile brighter, pout their lips, lean in to touch him, swing their hips with emphasis, offer him their best to entertain his event for a price. He could take his choice of them to bang in the building right now if he so desired.

But the usual desire is gone. The case, it's the case. Too much office stress.

And oh shit. His date with Paula Agard. He's getting older. Maybe he's craving someone who could help him with his problems. Someone more mature. She must be the reason he couldn't manage to entertain getting hard over all these young, beautiful women. He's maturing.

He calls her, flirting some more, securing their date. Getting Paula to fold is easy. A business deal he's handled a million times before. No complications or history. No risk of losing something he values deeply. This makes sense.

* * *

If they're not having fun, what the hell are they doing at a party filled with models? The drinks soothe enough to wipe out the tips of his unease, but the depth of an internal monster without a name remain. He blames his lackluster response to what he used to call _the life up here_ on his upcoming date. He ignores the way his stomach drops like a plunging elevator of disappointment when a fiery redhead catches his peripheral vision and she's not the one he's most familiar with.

* * *

He sees her. He recognizes her. The more he recognizes her importance, the further she fades away. She's the gamble he can never afford to lose, and you don't make bets on what you can't bear to lose. He doesn't want to _see_ her anymore. He wants her to remain like an undercurrent of reassurance he can push deep within his subconscious. Anything else with her threatens him like a tidal wave to his sanity.

* * *

Donna's words stick to him like tar. They always stick to him in a way he can't quite shake, seeping into the crevices he can't manage to reach. How can he fully focus on his date when her words are so tied into everything bothering him?

The disinterest is not about Paula.

This is about the crisis.

It's _not_ about Donna.

* * *

Paula Agard walking out on their date should bother him more. He should go after her; make a grand gesture. Her words bother him more than her action. He doesn't need help. He's figured it all out. His mother. His panic attacks.

Dealing with Donna leaving.

He has it under control.

He's not panicking, but he wants to use one of his leftover pills in his medicine cabinet that night.

* * *

If he tells Donna no, she's gone. A tornado of frustration is swirling in his head right now, and he doesn't even have a name for the cause.

He can't deal with her angry with him. Maybe seeing her each day as she faded further away is better than her frustration with him. Maybe since he's kept her at arms length he can keep her at the length of the 46th floor, and somehow it will be good enough. She wins. She deserves it even if he's too much of a selfish asshole to want to be the one that lets her have it.

* * *

He gets another drink at a random bar he passes. The liquid clarity makes him realize he needs to get to Louis before she does. If Louis is involved, he'll detonate and he doesn't want the shrapnel aimed at her. Mike stops him from going to help Donna, and he hates feeling their special bond of loyalty is already developing fractures when he deals with the sale first.

* * *

His entire office is boxed up. Everything could move on and end today.

He's a pussy. He knows he's a pussy. He doesn't know how to manage the firm the way Jessica did. How to handle Louis without wanting to rip his windpipe from his neck with bare hands. He never expected to face this without Donna by his side. He's not sure he's up for the challenge anymore. He's not sure how to be the Harvey Mike's talking about without Donna.

* * *

He finds a way. She'll be at a distance, and he'll always protect her. This is what she wants, and he's not going to deny her what she wants. He owes her that. She's capable, god how he knows she's capable. This is the closest he can have her without the risk of losing her, and it will have to be enough.

Every other advancement over the years they'd celebrated together. But the office is gone, the cubicle is gone. No more direct line from his voice to her desk by way of a nosy intercom. He leaves because he's okay with letting go. He's not crumbling inside. He just needs some sustenance.

* * *

He goes home and changes, feeling like there's a chasm of unfulfilled endings to the night. The fresh air of his car numbs him by way of chill.

His ex-therapist is the place he ends up at.

He can do grand gestures, even romantic ones, and do them well. There's no risk here, because this is a safe bet.

The kiss is like a choreographed and well practiced routine. She responds, and a part of himself that was empty gets fulfilled like a small rock in his gut. Heavy, but somehow the edge he's trying to ease soothed.

He's Harvey Goddamn Specter. He can survive without Donna.

* * *

 **I should have posted the update for Fight Club, which I swear is in the works, but the premiere has had me so down all I can do is think of ways to fix it. I rarely write in present tense, so I'm sorry if I missed something. I'd love any thoughts if you have them. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

He hasn't been sleeping. At least not well. And when he does, the images that accost him include copper hair and freckled skin his body doesn't want to let go of.

At some point the dreams have to fade away.

He wakes up a couple hours before his alarm, like he usually does the nights Paula stays.

No amount of even breathing, counting case wins in his head, or reading Louis's financial briefs help.

He gets back into bed next to her, the woman that keeps the empty spot warm. If she notices him up before her she might make assumptions he doesn't want to defend against.

He lies as she catches him staring at her, trying to figure out how to feel deeper than he does. She's easy to please with a sweetness on his tongue that doesn't belong.

Donna would call him on the fact he gets up before seven for work. Paula hears what makes her feel good.

She's still confused though, and he is too. Why he can't make what seems right on paper feel the way he wants it too.

Relationships grow on people. If he's buying into this psychology bullshit, love isn't about a feeling, it's an action.

Action was something he was good at.

Paula could see through him without fully knowing him. She was trained at it. He pushed aside the reminder that Donna had too, without a degree. Encouraging untruths appease Paula. She doesn't call him on that either.

* * *

 _Pearson Specter Litt_

Specter Litt doesn't sound as threatening. He's not sure why. The satisfaction from the achievement falls flat. But Jessica had led the way. He needs to make his mark like she did. Show the world he has control, and the control will come.

* * *

The painting is already hung. Things are moving along without him even having to make decisions. Donna, Mike, Louis. They're all making the movement forward effortless. They're all adjusting so he didn't need to take the time to.

Donna is neatening up the transition. She's doing fine with it.

He keeps the space between them extra wide. She doesn't seem to notice, doesn't seem to react to the change, like all the rest.

He's fine. He can shut down any reactions, any emotion to him not wanting the change since everyone around him is _allowed_ to move on. He doesn't panic anymore, because it's all supposed to be okay.

Donna's so happy. Him helping her leave him has made her fulfilled. He can't look at her for too long, the brilliance of who she is without him shines too bright.

 _Dr. Agard._

Fuck. She knows. She always knows. Everything about them with someone else always creates a mess in the gray area they exist in in ways neither one know exactly how to clean up. He doesn't want her to know. She always seems to call the end before he's had a chance to finish the beginning. She'll see into places he can't look yet.

Relief fills him when she mentions the panic attacks. Everything is fine. She doesn't know. Still moving forward with the new normal train. On their individual destinations.

His job is to make his new mark. Handle it. Close it.

* * *

Out with the old team, and in with the new. The old couldn't fill the place of his family. Donna had said it herself. Loyalty had become overrated. People moved on. Nothing could be forever. So he'd put people in place that could serve him well professionally.

Power moves. It's how he got his name on the wall in the first place. Even if Donna had usually been by his side.

* * *

Everyone expects him to manage, all while they stand in his goddamn way. Louis is arguing what he said he'd let go of in the first place. Control because of his bullshit insecurities.

Donna wants things to move on to the new normal, but she's still invading the spaces in his head he has to let go of. This is the way things goddamn are. She doesn't want them to be a team anymore, he's not going to help her build her island.

* * *

They want to move on to their big things, but they're not letting him call the shots on his own.

Jessica wanted to go to Chicago.

Mike wanted to work as a lawyer.

Donna wanted more and to be a senior partner.

He's managing partner and they're all getting in his way. He's standing in the middle of the ring fielding their punches from all directions when they're the ones that left him there to fight in the first place.

They want to be on their own there, while keeping control of him here.

* * *

Paula canceling their date brings about loneliness but relief. He expects to feel more connected to her than he does. This is about time. He just needs to give it more time. He needs a new compass and she's the only one left who's willing to try. All the rest are gone.

He'll spend late into the evening at the office. Maybe the less time for Donna in his dreams, the faster she'll disappear from them. She doesn't want to be there anyway.

* * *

She'll leave him. Be gone if he takes back the dream he's already given. Nothing connects them anymore but this. Again she's moved on, just like she did with Louis, and ordered the wreckage into tidy stacks. Him giving this to her was the only part he had left.

Katrina is right, he knows she is. Donna shouldn't be a partner, but he couldn't deny her when he had the chance to keep her close. He doesn't want her to go, doesn't want that last thread of connection left severed.

He doesn't want to trust the world with her.

He'll try to keep her, but he knows no offer could amount to her worth.

* * *

The line-up the next day goes better than planned. Alex. Louis.

He just needed to settle into his game. But they solidify the decision he desperately doesn't want to face. He pushes off telling her multiple times that day. He's a chicken shit.

* * *

Looking at her is even harder knowing what he's about to do. It's not fair, and the only fair decision all rolled up into one.

No decision has ever left him such a heavy weight of regret on his shoulders. Her impending reaction makes his stomach turn. He wants to punch something just for the reverberation of pain. He wonders why that sounds easier to manage than doing this.

He's supposed to be okay with her going. He's supposed to be okay with her doing whatever she wants with her own life. He wonders why he isn't when he's better now.

The paper is a slap in her face and he knows it is, even if she'd kill the position. It's a shot in the night, but one he owes her to make.

 _COO_

He argues to make her know she earns the deal, but the minute the title leaves her mouth he latches on to the beacon of hope. She'd learned well, and he should've known she'd use his tactics against him. He always thinks the world of her abilities, and the mark always falls short of how amazing she is.

He offers a handshake to make this official, but when their hands touch he knows it's a mistake. Their eyes lock, and the look of joy will make his dreams even more vibrant that night.

He's proud of her. Maybe more so than he's ever been. He also misses her more so than he ever has.

He wishes Paula would make the ache in his gut go away that night. Instead he tells her he ate something bad for dinner.

* * *

 **Okay, so I thought I was done with this. Then this came out. I may continue if there's interest, of if it can't leave me alone. Thank so much for reading, and the sweet reviews for the last chapter! Reviews give me life. This episode was easier for me to take, if I ignore the first couple minutes.**


	3. Chapter 3

_Care to have a little fun?_

He almost thinks he's dreaming when Donna greets him in the elevator bay with a folded newspaper and the flirty words. He eyes her offering cautiously before taking it from her hands.

His face tightens from the giant grin that forms. Mike's in the paper. The kid thinks he's all grown up.

They slip into his office and are sharing proud but teasing looks. His chest is clinching when he realizes this is too close to what he's supposed to let go of.

She wants to celebrate the occasion, in the only way they know how.

Tease and torment the kid. He allows himself to sink into the moment.

She sits across from his desk as they toss out fake headlines. They're working together again, for a greater cause.

 _From Pot to Caught, How Not to be a Lawyer_

 _Lawyer Becomes Real Dickhead_

 _My Ties are too Skinny: All About Mike Ross_

 _Big Boy Pants: The Mike Ross Story_

 _Lawyer Gets Cocky, Gives Interview_

 _Got a Sob Story? He'll Take the Case_

Their list is finally settled.

Donna picks up the sheet of paper. She says something about getting them printed off and they share a look.

The whole thing feels rather secretarial.

He says something about his secretary doing it. His _new_ secretary. The one he doesn't let sit at the main desk in front of his office, because officially she's just a long term temp.

Donna looks uncomfortable and he wonders what his face reveals.

Her secretary will do it, and she turns to disappear again. He's relieved because suddenly he can't be next to her.

He watches out the door after her, and the empty desk out front comes into view again. It's like a shrine to what was, and he hates that he situated his desk to stare out at it.

The desk is the red cape and he's the bull, and he's trying not to lose his head to it. He needs to get over it so the hole there doesn't matter anymore.

* * *

He feels angry again.

He looks it up. The stages of grief. _Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance._

That's what's happening here. This isn't about panic, and since he's self aware about the problem, he can lean into the feelings and be fine on his own.

And not that he's really grieving, but he did have a loss of sorts, with Jessica. With Donna. Even with his office and job to some degree. This is normal. He doesn't tell Paula, since he's handling it.

* * *

She texts him that the posters are hung and she's meeting Mike at the elevators. Just like old times. She's toying with the kid, and while it lasts they'll have a good laugh.

He heads to his old office, failing at avoiding the glance to her old desk.

Donna doesn't show up with Mike. Another stage comes, he guesses is depression.

His old office feels both comfortable and disconcerting at the same time.

* * *

He sends a text to Paula to feel connected again. She calls quickly, and the comfort of uncomplicated settles his nerves. Safety. Like an anchor to a rocky ship.

When Mike walks in his heart races because he almost heard the call. He's not ready to share the news, but he doesn't want to think about why.

Mike is pawning the case off. He swallows back his objection, telling himself he can make it work with Alex. Handling a case always helps him get his bearings again. He can handle this type of conflict. He's mastered it.

* * *

Paula's resistance brings more feelings of loss.

He wants to convince her. The law is in writing. Their relationship isn't in violation.

She knows him. She's throwing all that progress away.

He can't start over with someone else. He's already so far behind the progress he had with...Donna.

Now Paula is slipping away too.

Like Donna. How was _she_ able to let go of _them_ so easily?

* * *

He doesn't want to betray Mike. Doesn't want to alienate anymore of the past.

Everyone wants him to empathize and bend for them.

But when he comes to them with a conflict he's having? They give him all the shit in the world.

Well he's the boss here. He has to make decisions like the boss.

He's goddamn over fighting about it.

* * *

The argument with Louis is annoying, but he has it handled.

When Donna walks in, a thumping starts in his head. Something inside sets off. A heightened agitation pounds in his chest, gripping his lungs and stealing his coping skills.

She's talking, but he can't really hear her. Doesn't want to.

Until she disaligns herself from him.

To align with Louis.

Like an ax to his chest. To their past.

Old wounds resurface and they're inflicted from her and Louis.

He lashes back at them, bumping into Louis so he doesn't touch her.

He's angry. Anger is part of the process. And he's fucking feeling it.

He splashes cold water on his face in the bathroom, breathing deeply.

Trust isn't something he can count on right now. Everyone he used to count on is moving on, and has long forgotten the camaraderie.

He's running forward with life. Max speed.

* * *

When he arrives at Paula's, he doesn't give her the chance to object. He bursts in from the adrenaline to get him there.

He doesn't need her room anymore, but he feels safer to be there. Nowhere else feels safe anymore.

But when his declarations come, they come too easy. There's an urgency behind letting them out, things he's been holding in for far too long unsaid.

 _Is she worried about other people, or something she feels herself?_

 _How could she care about the world, her rule, when they could be together?_

 _Their connection, they can't throw that away._

Paula's responses bring on an extreme need to protect and reassure from deep within him, but the person he's answering to isn't her.

 _What if it's a mistake? What if she looks like a fool? She's scared._

When he answers her, he knows he's not answering the person in front of him, but he needs to express what he's held back for so long the damn is breaking.

It's just because of his long history with Donna that these emotions are coming out.

It's just because he's moving on.

Acceptance. The final stage.

It's not because it's Paula.

* * *

 **I came so close to skipping this chapter. It killed me for Harvey to be answering Agard like that, when we've been waiting for him to take the plunge with Donna! But, I braved a second watch of the episode to come up with this. Hopefully it ended up okay. I'm cautiously hopeful for Ep. 4! Thanks for reading and all the reviews! I appreciate them so much.**


End file.
